Julian_Chan's Xanga

HOME

Sat, 01 Jul 2006 16:08:29 GMT

Home,
back to Malaysia after over 9 months studying in ireland.
Apprehension kinda fills up when after so much independence, coming home in a way takes that away, doing own laundry, cooking own food (which sucks anyway), walking/cyling to get where I need to go as opposed to driving a car, not being told what to do..
and now that I'm back, those feelings of apprehension are quickly relieved, by the fact that I'm once more surrounded by my family and soon my own mrschan when she gets back. I never thought that I'd say this but in many many ways I miss home, from my family, my car, my room, my country (yes I'm a patriot, I know Jalur Gemilang! ;P), and most of all, knowing that my girl is coming back to me in a couple of days time..makes coming home complete.
After being away for what seemed like ages, its surprising to feel that I appreciate what is being done around the house more often than I ever have, clean clothes to wear everyday without repeated wearing, clean floors to walk on, clean bathrooms to bathe and have a lovely time defecating in, food always on the table without having to cook, money without having to go to the bank, concerned words (still sometimes irritating though) from parents, even my annoying brother.
Sometimes it is true that you never know what you are taking for granted until you lose it. Little as some things might seem, however insignificant, fills the spaces in life. Never thought I'd say this but, I MISS HOME!

Monday, May 01, 2006

Mon, 01 May 2006 23:18:29 GMT

Summer..summer has a special meaning to me. The blooming of the lovely flowers of a myriad of every shade imaginable to men, blue and purple violets, golden sunflowers, dandelions, roses, anything u name it, i see it..not bunga raya tho..hahahah! The trees are leafy once again, the carbon polluted air from charcoal burning is gone, the lack of need to wear more than 1 layer of clothes is gone, people kicking footballs and monkeying around..ahh yess....summer...summer just.................

SUCKS! its so DAMN HOT! argHHH! man! im dying here! I can't cycle to and fro from uni without sweating! walking to church on Sundays are just a trip that severely tests my faith..HAHAHA! The air has this weird flying transparent orangey stuff that as you cycle with the might borne from desperation to get out of the sun back home, it sometimes goes into your mouth! EWWW!

Its HOT. I'm Pissed.

Grrr..

Sunday, January 08, 2006

Sun, 08 Jan 2006 23:33:12 GMT

Just made my way back from a wonderful holiday in london and then glasgow and a bit of edinburgh. A jumble of emotions that rush through my head when I left, was albeit overwhelming. Feelings of pain, the acute rush of loneliness that overpowered me, forcing the overproduction of tears. The suddenness of the lack of company of one so loved really pierces the soul, and crushes the willpower..anyway..to the main point..

There is something in all of us that is really ugly. In some of us it manifests itself so easily, in some of us, it is covered up like a dreaded disease and later let it all out at one shot. Unhealthy as this ugliness seems to be, it seems like we ALL have it.

Anger. An emotion so strong that just sometimes takes over our rational thinking, rational acting, just sweeps it all away in a powerful wave of fury, bitterness, violence, etc. Sight dimmed, attention focused, the anger practically flows throughout our body, giving it a pool of inhuman strength to cause as much if bodily harm possible, words to say that hurts to the core, removing common sense, leaving us no better than primal creatures..

In my recent travels to the capital of Scotland, Edinburgh, for a New Years celebration, I came face to face with an anger of such cosmic proportions that I really saw a new part of me, a part actually thinking of and capable of hurting a person physically. As we made our way back through the people-packed streets, my hand holding hers, me walking in front, dragging her along, I was suddenly tugged to a halt when a person stopped her to give her a kiss on the LIPS.

Withing less den half a second my face felt so hot, my visual field narrowed to just the face of that person, my world just centered around that very person. I could really feel so much blood rushing to my fists and feet, and at that moment I believed that had I gone through with even taking a single step towards that person, I wouldn't have stopped beating him. The thought of breaking his nose, the blood gushing out, still beating and punching till his teeth broke apart, his eyes swollen, his jaw broken, blood everywhere, at that time seemed highly..satisfying..

Frightening is it not?..The very knowledge that I was capable of doing that when provoked sufficiently still frightens me quite a bit. Never having started a physical fight, or hardly participating in one, always using just words as a sword, it was really an eye opener for me, to meet an anger deep within, to face it, to conquer it and not let it take control.

And then, defeated, the anger simmers, seating itself deep down again. Of course, the overwhelming urge to kill was gone, but the thought of breaking his nose and jaw was still highly entertaining..

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Wed, 19 Oct 2005 23:15:35 GMT

As the dreary days pass by in an unending rhythm of monotony, life seems to be so meaningless...go to the hospital, come back, go for lectures, come home and make some crappy meal n bathe and TRY to study. Haven't had much luck with that though. End up sleeping late because of watching this addictive series, HOUSE.

HOUSE. Now I wonder if there ever was a better tv series ever created. This show presents itself with a vast amount of medical knowledge, cutting witty sarcasms, and ethical questions.

Ethics, right or wrong, procedures, protocols, rules and regulations, and the like. This series brings to mind so many issues in a medical doctor's life that many doctors face oh so often. How often does following the "rules" actually help in a real doctor's life? Crisis, bring people to a state mind where, instincts usually overrule rational thought. Saving a life of a person who does not want to be saved? But when you are in a room when the patient goes code blue, is that the first thing that comes to mind? That the patients want NOT to be saved? And if we do end up saving them, is it worth getting sued over? Is it worth getting into all that trouble just to do what our job entails? Or would it be easier to just wash our hands off that particular patient, respecting their decision to letting them die? When a cure might be around the corner, though it would take time to figure out? Are there times when the rules must be followed and times when it is NOT? Trying to figure that out still...

Death, a very real real complication of many diseases, sometimes make me wonder, am I ready to be a doctor now? To plunge myself into the real world of pain, suffering and sickness? Am I strong enough to face the challenges of the real world? Probably not, so luckily I'm still a medical student. LOL, but anyways, I don't know. I'm still praying for an answer.

Something a patient in the tv serial HOUSE said "I believe in people. I'd rather think that people are good and be disappointed every now and then, instead of being cynical and thinking of the worst about everyone". Now this simple statement made a lot of sense. From differing perspectives of different individuals, I would think that many people in the world judge a person before knowing them (YEA YEA I'm that darned guy and yea yea I'm trying to change ;P), but there are so many facets to a person's personality, to a person's being, that just by mere glances or interactions with them, no possible way is there to judge a person. In my entire life there are so few people that I've met that actually do not judge people that I was really mystified when I came across that person, of whom is very close to my heart. Ever since then, I've been trying, to see good in every person I meet, but occasionally it still happens, but it is just that, watching this on tv again really drags up old memories.

I guess life is really an interesting journey, of which there is so much to learn and live. The diversity of the human genome, creating endless combinations, the vast amount of differences that we have afterall, makes us human, all prone to right and wrongs. So who is right and who is wrong? We all find our own truths I suppose. Praise the Lord.

Friday, September 23, 2005

Fri, 23 Sep 2005 20:30:42 GMT

Due to popular demand, I gotta use this blog as a...a...DIARY! ugh...Anyway, I'm in Galway right now and yes the weather is really fantastic, cold and all, but the drawbacks is that it is so darned rainy! But people say that the weather right now, isn't as rainy as its usually supposed to be...*ARGHS*...So anyway, the apartment that I currently reside in, is a nice 20 minute walk away from the Clinical Science Institute where we have our lectures, which is about another 5+ minutes from the main campus. So everyday its a 20 minute "muscle-wasting walk"(its how Old Man would put it anyway) to the university, and back, and in yea, the "NICE" rain...not counting the extra half an hour plus that is needed for the journey...*sniff*

BUT!!!, since I've gotten my BICYCLE!, journey to the CSI has gotten increasingly sweet! LOL! Cycling is so much fun, especially since the winds here are so strong and u really have to cycle your hardest to go home after a tiring day xD ! Owning a bicycle here has a couple of cons, first, my arse hurts bad because the seat sucks thought I'm getting used to it, second, it costs so damned much, even when my dad gave me the go to buy 1, I try to eat only an apple for lunch to save what i spent...T_T...and what bike doesn't come with a mudguard! & yea they DO CHARGE YOU FOR IT! But the worst part of owning a bicycle here...is that the knowledge of the fact that bicycles here are stolen so often even with locks...so there is endless worry that I'll 1 day come back and find it gone...Just like on that fateful Christmas day...*my dear wira, and digicam, you'll always have a place in my heart*...*sniff*...

University has gotten very very busy, there are attachments to the hospital in the mornings at 8am, and lectures all the way till about 6-7pm everyday, so by the time its all over, dinner cooked and eaten, its close to 9pm, and yes its tiring and yes I still do fall asleep in front of the computer...sigh...so the only real time there is to study is on the weekends...Besides, sometimes when I do get back early at about 6, there is like, 2-4 episodes of the Simpsons at 1 shot! and Scrubs and stuff! Gee...

About classes, it ain't too hard because we've gone through most of it and though I've forgotten most of it, I guess it does make studying easier, and in the hospital, when they demonstrate those CSU stuff that we've learnt in IMU, and I see my batchmates fumble at it, I can smile and go HAHA inside! LOL! ROFL! LMAO!

A problem that I'm currently trying to solve lately would be...WHAT TO EAT! Everyday its the same, it basically revolves around eggs, bread (which comes in really huge portions you gotta eat it everyday to finish it before the expiry date), fried chicken, and maggi mee and apples...pasta seriously sux after eating it more then twice or so...I believe the word for it is JELAK...or something of that sort. I've really gotta find something else to eat. I WANT SUGGESTIONS PLS! BABA, not from you because I know that you're gonna ask me to eat out and you can't fry an egg or boil water, and not you either OWLEE, because I'm not interested in eating rats! xD

Galway is really an expensive place to live for a Malaysian, and I cant bear the thought of eating out or spending for anything at all, other then groceries...and another thing would be that the Irish do nothing for fun other then drinking and some weird Irish sports called Hurling, which is something like hockey but quite different, and Gailleigh football where u can kick and run with the ball in your hands and bounce it! Man is it different or what...Anyway, the Gym is damned expensive, 150 euros a year, which transalates to about RM 750 a year! But since I'm sharing it with banat I suppose it isn't that bad...

Thats it for now, ever since coming here I haven't gotten much of a chance to get my thoughts together to write something more meaningful other than daily nonsense...GARRR!

Sunday, August 14, 2005

Sun, 14 Aug 2005 15:25:57 GMT

Holidays...sometimes I just wish it wasn't so long because doing nothing really productive is really just so...Meaningless...so...Empty...Its been a long time since CAW and I parted ways temporarily, and during these holidays though busy I am, never did I spend an hour not thinking of her. The mobile phone I always kept steadfastly beside me whenever she used to be around is somewhere secreted in 1 of those drawers in my room, normally off.

The emptiness inside continually torments me as I spend countless hours doing nothing useful, mostly jus playing meaningless games, hoping for the boring days to just pass by as soon as I can, the only thing keeping me sane is daily chatting with her online, and knowing that we are scheduled to meet quite soon, but yet this comes not even close to filling the vast vast void of loneliness.

It is during these times that my mind works relentlessly, thinking, thinking, thinking about God knows what...But my mind has came up with a little something, of which I dedicate to the 1 I cherish with all my heart. Here's to you CAW :

The Wait

If there is a love so deep,
That I can't deny,
If there is a love so deep,
I have to comply,

To my feelings that tell me,
Follow your heart,
To my feelings that tell me,
Though we're far apart,

I'll continue waiting,
Always will I stay true,
I'll continue waiting,
Always waiting for you,

I'd keep you in my mind,
Forever and a day,
I'd keep you in my mind,
Because there can be no other way,

I could never love another,
I've invested it all on you,
I could never love another,
How could I, when the person I'm loving,

IS YOU.

-Julian-

(the wait will end, I know it)

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

Wed, 10 Aug 2005 17:59:47 GMT

Boring...boring boring boring. Thats how life seems to be on holidays and especially without my CAW *sniff*. Today in pyramid convention center, there was a praise and worship session held by city harvest singapore. After being convinced to go by the Owl, I decided to give it a try to see what it was all about.

It started at about 2000 hrs and it kicked off with some praise and worship session for about an hour. Legs buckling, mouth yawning, head throbbing, and eyes watery, I made a valiant if not heroic effort to not yawn so often and to pretend that I was concentrating, with the Owl pestering me like a child to take some damn pamphlets off her hands (which belonged to her! the cheek of it all!), which started to get darned annoying. After the praise and worship session the pastor began to talk.

He talked about Giving. The more you gave the more you received. Said he that God, in the bible says that those who give a lot will receive a lot in return. Many examples gave he to demonstrate his point and honestly, to a certain extent my mind instantly rebuffed his ruminations, but something triggered my thoughts. Remembered did I that said my dad to me that a few of his richest friends, were amongst those that, if you liked what they had, they would say, Take It, its YOURS!

Sometimes in life being the hoarders that we were bred to be, or taught to anyway, oft do we bemoan the conditions of our lives when in fact, many of us are luckier then a great deal of others. A person who is poor complains non-stop until he sees another poor person, who is crippled and is unable to even get a job. This triggers a line of thought.

Generosity. How generous am I? Sad to say, I dont give much away in monetary terms, in church on Sun mass, I often give like...5-10 bucks? Being slightly more well off then many people out there (as in I have a car to drive), this little talk has upsetted my narrowed perception of the world considerably. Should I give more? Yes. Will I give more?...One must wonder.

As the praise and worship session built up to a cresendo, I began to stand a little straighter, clapped a little louder, my legs though tired began to find strength on its own accord, and, I finally found my voice to sing in praise. As the praise and worship session nearer towards the end I really started to enjoy it and I really began to be more excited and glad that I came, a vast difference from that Julian that first walked in, expecting it to be a little dry and dreary. Hallelujah!

Anyway, I'm back home now, happy that I went for that session, can't wait for the next one! (though I'll probably be overseas by then *sniff*)

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

Tue, 26 Jul 2005 19:03:44 GMT

Just got this website from Mr.Yuterus, found out that blogging doesnt have to be done everyday, only when you feel like it. xD dumb huh? happens..

Well this week is a typical holiday week. Feeling disorientated in time, space, place and person (days just go by and I'm confused as to what day it is), holidays can be quite draggy especially when you have nothing to do and your resolve to study just lingers there like a fly that you can shoo away lazily(and yes you do shoo it away xD).

The days are bleak and I sometimes feel so bored that life really does seem meaningless. Many a times do I just sit down n brood endlessly (when I'm not playing DotA that is) wondering the meaning of life. Boredom has this effect on me and ever since a few years back I've felt this way during long holidays especially, and I sometimes just keep wondering the meaning of Life, what is our purpose on Earth? What am I here for? Why Why Why??? Infuriating as it is, I do often pray for an answer.

During the last holiday as I prayed for an answer, and unto me came it quite suddenly, a revelation I'm sure that was the answers to my prayers. I am here on earth not to serve myself, but to serve OTHERS. To not do what I can to make myself happy but to make OTHERS happy. To serve, not be served.

Happy and satisfied with this revelation, I ended that holidays actually doing a little studying. But here I am again during this holiday searching for another meaning of Life, not being just satisfied with the last revelation. Are there many? Am I to go on forever searching for the meaning of it? Or do I just find a few and be satisfied with it? I don't know. Sigh. But I'll continue praying. Praise the Lord.